A.D.D. & Women:
Coming out of the Messy Closet

I only know how to do two things - garden and paint - Claude Monet

This article isn't about art. Monet's statement however, clearly expresses the inner feelings people with A.D.D. often have. They minimize the areas they perform superbly in and, instead, tend to shift the focus on their inability to perform other tasks to the same high standard.

If knowledge about adult A.D.D. is still in the infancy stage, knowledge about A.D.D. in women hasn't even been born yet.

A.D.D. without hyperactivity is the most common form of the disorder in women. People who have A.D.D. without go undiagnosed the longest. Often, the longer the diagnosis is delayed, the more serious the consequences are.

There is a general consensus among patients and professionals that specific gender issues, relating to the diagnosis and treatment of women, have been overlooked.

Often, according to author Sari Solden, women in search of appropriate treatment are short-changed in the areas of in-depth long term treatment and lack of support for women from therapists or family members.

All symptoms - such. as poor organization skills (the biggest symptom for women) - must be profiled, the severity documented and bypass strategies developed for the limitations. Often however, these core symptoms make it hard for women to come out of the messy closet - let alone shine a light in on it!

Neurological symptoms often appear as shy, anxious, withdrawn, spacey or even depressed behavior. ADD women may appear confused, or present "often in a mess", in private life and/or work. The confusion that encompasses their lives makes them constantly question themselves and undermines their feelings of self worth.

Women generally are given cultural messages such as; be nice, help others, never say no and don't ask for too much. They are expected to; not hurt anyone's feelings, not set time limits on tasks, and do all work presented to them, without asking for favors. For women with A.D.D., failure to be "superwomen" can culminate in a depressed mood, a shying away from social relationships and chronic underachievement. I personally feel that experts miss the over-achieving women in this scenario. Sometimes hyperfocus can make women appear successful in one area of life yet a disaster in others. There tends to be little sympathy for this group and an assumption is made that if they really tried hard enough a balanced life would be easily attainable. That, and of course thin thighs! Often women find the guilt, anxiety and shame of not meeting their potential, the motivator that prevents them from getting the help they need

The goal in treatment is not to "cure" the problem but simply to gain success by managing the A.D.D. This allows women to reach their potential and stop avoiding situations they find overwhelming. Author of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, Sari Solden suggests using a "3R approach" -

• restructuring your life,
• renegotiating your relationships and
• redefining your self-image.

It is hard for all people to make changes in their lives. Family and friends often feel anxious when things are different and keep insisting "they liked you the old way." Also, our conditioning to put our own needs last further complicates the issue. The balancing act first begins with assessing the time spent on yourself vs. the time spent on the family. Set limits and boundaries, not as a defense to keep people out but simply as a way to enrich yourself. It is in everyone s best interest if children and partners become completely self-sufficient and self-reliant. Women need to stay mentally and physically healthy. The tendency is usually to "get mom to do it." In one of the lectures at the National ADDA Conference in Pittsburgh I was shocked to hear one prominent physician exclaim "you needed to have a good wife in order to cope well with A.D.D. symptoms."

Hey guys, I gotta tell you, it's the '90s. June and Ward Cleaver don't live here anymore. Any woman is exhausted these days with her work and family issues - A.D.D. or not. And frankly, I'd like to know how therapists think a women with A.D.D. is supposed to cope - I know stop whining and get over it.

Try to plan your play and downtime. We all need time to relax and recharge our batteries. I've noticed that sometimes leaving a job undone, arranging to extend a deadline, and taking some time off to recharge my batteries, can result in producing a better job in the end - rather than pushing myself past my physical or mental limits. Basic needs, such as adequate sleep, daily exercise and well balanced eating should be first on the list of personal priorities.

Saliency determination plays a big part in our lives. Take the most time developing your strengths. This will get you the farthest in the end - well past dwelling on your limitations.

Once situations are addressed through restructuring, women find the resulting structure in itself is not as controlling and unmanageable as they assumed it would be. Need to make a fresh start this week and can't seem to organize that kitchen or work station? Keep your sense of humor and try tactics such as inviting friends and/or family to a pot-luck cleaning party. It won't work everyday but it's a start. Can't organize it? Admit it and ask for help.

Partners in the relationship often have an equally difficult task in setting their own boundaries. A.D.D. spouses are known to be "high maintenance." If partners, parents or friends can't provide enough stabilization in the day-to-day life, sometimes a personal coach can be used. Coaches With help and planning, the grief slowly becomes acceptance and then success.help in a variety of ways, but the three main areas are: helping you stay on track, analyzing your success and cheering you on, and finally, helping maintain the systems and structure in your life to keep it running smoothly.

As with receiving a diagnosis for a child - there is a cycle of grief that women all go through after diagnosis. Acknowledge it, deal with it and move on. If depression is evident - treat it. With help and planning the grief slowly becomes acceptance and then success. Celebrate what makes you different and unique. Compare a painting by Monet to one by Picasso -which one is more beautiful, more pleasing? Can't decide? it doesn't matter - they're both vibrant, it's really all in your perspective.