Proactive Strategies for Creating a Home/School Partnership

Joanne spoke of starting her career as a teacher of emotionally disturbed and LD children for some 16 years. She heard one of the key researchers on ADD, Dr. Russell Barkley, in a 2 day seminar in Toronto and she felt Dr. Barkley was speaking directly to her about her very own students.

She described her presentation for this evening as the role parents can play as they work with teachers and school officials and noted it would be a compilation of experiences and suggestions for interacting. "It is particularly good to be talking of this subject now in order to think and plan for next year", she said.

She asked members of the audience to think about positive characteristics of their ADD children as a way of having us break the paradigm of thinking about ADD as difficult, focusing on the problems and the negative aspects. She did this by giving us 3 minutes to chat with someone sitting nearby us who we didn't know and focus on "what's good, or even great about your kids and theirs. After that, she asked volunteers to share what they'd learned which included: very social and outgoing, friendly, smart, showed good values in how she watched TV, "could sell ice cubes to an Eskimo", my oldest protects his younger siblings, accept responsibility, loving and caring, good sense of humor and others. Joanne then showed a list collected from those who'd participated in her 7 week course. She noted we'd pretty much hit the highlights though there were even more positive things and I could see lots of us nodding in acknowledgement that we could identify with items we hadn't listed that evening.

Joanne had learned, some time ago, that there is a need to concentrate on strengths as she recognized it was all too easy to get down and focus on problems. "These kids need intense parenting", she noted, and she offered to bring some "strength-based models" to our attention this evening.

Regarding home/school partnerships, "What would a teacher tell parents so they could be more helpful? she asked? The answer was, emphatically, to have our kids "ready to learn in the morning!" She held it was of utmost importance to have them get their day started on the right foot and to leave for school with a positive attitude about their day. Joanne then read a story of how two children, Bruce and David who lived across the street from each other, started their day. Bruce was literally badgered about getting up so he wouldn't be late and miss the bus. When he spilled his juice, his mother was exasperated. "I just don't know what I'm going to do with you!", she said as she grudgingly cleaned the table. As he walked out the door, his mother called out, "Be sure to behave yourself today . . ., etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile, across the street, David was awakened by being given the choice between getting up now or sleeping for another 5 minutes. When he spilled his juice, his mother simply said, "The cloth is in the sink" and David cleaned up the mess himself without another word said about it. As David left the house, his mother called out, "See you later!" It was amazing how the words in the first household's conversation were fraught with negative elements and setting up the child for a dreadful day while in the second, the loving and supportive atmosphere was "getting that child ready for a good day".

Each child had been reminded of a long list of things but some were not particularly important, while others were essential. Joanne asked us to ponder which issues should be considered important and which didn't even deserve a mention. It was up to us, she said, to pick and choose which issues to focus on . . . which to address and which didn't even have to be mentioned.

She then showed a diagram which had one circle inside another. The inner circle was called the "Circle of Influence" and it's area was within a larger "Circle of Concern" she'd seen in Stephen Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. This was a graphic illustration of how we should think about which issues are central and over which we can exercise our influence as opposed to the relatively minor issues in the Circle of Concern which we could decide were not essential or at the "heart of the matter".

One way to help figure out where something should be placed is by proactively asking ourselves if it's something we can really make a difference with. These aren't necessarily issues over which we have complete control, but those we can exercise significant influence over. Put those in the center, she said. Of all the things we think we have to deal with, sort them into the "big issues" and "little issues" circles. The decision was ours.

Proactive Examples:
I Choose . . .
I Will . . .

Reactive Examples:
I can't . . .
If only . . .

The objective of this exercise is to narrow the focus. Although it is easy to be reactive, it's much better to be proactive and the more proactive we are, the more we can "grow" the circle of influence, Joanne said.

She read the definition of "Partnership" from a pocket dictionary and noted it meant close cooperation between partners. . . (for the mutual benefit of the child). It wasn't a question of trying to tip the scales one way or the other, in fact the idea of anyone other than the child "being a winner" just didn't fit within the spirit of the definition.

It was also important to take on the issues of structure and limit-setting. It is the responsibility of both the teacher and parents to help the child learn to follow through, get organized, and do all this with a touch of love and support!

Joanne then showed us the Circle of Courage, a concept followed by Native Americans in rearing their children from the book Reclaiming Youth at Risk: Our Hope for the Future by Brendtro, L., Brokenleg, M., & Van Bockers, S. (1990). She called the labels on the outer ring "Universal Values". They knew there would be "trouble" if any elements on the ring were broken or missing. Their philosophy included having the parents be the keepers of their child's strengths. Joanne noted that the parents played a significant role in this because they were there for the long haul. Teachers change from year to year, counsellors change, even doctors change.

Getting back to the diagram, they believed that if the circle was broken at one or more points, that the kids didn't usually behave very well. Joanne asked us to assure our children had and exhibited these four strengths. Rather than focus on problems, or what our children didn't have, she suggested we put our energy into figuring out how to give them more of what they needed!

She started with "Belonging" noting how fundamentally important it was to have the child know that there would be at least 1 adult who is "absolutely crazy about and supportive of them". In addition to having this person be a parent, it was important to have a good relationship with teachers, those in the neighborhood, peers and other family members. It was of utmost importance, she maintained we should not underestimate the power of the sense of belonging and "being connected".

This extended to a sense of Mastery, of feeling successful . . . the "Yes, I can do it!" attitude and outlook. The fundamental idea was to use a success-oriented twist. If someone isn't good at, say, schoolwork, are they good with computers? good in sports? good with people? Whatever their strengths, identify them. "Ask yourself", she queried, "Where is my child masterful?"

Moving on to Independence, Joanne noted it was a more difficult area. This was about the sense of having a feeling of inner control, self confidence and being assertive. ADD kids can have inner control and self-discipline trouble but there was no reason they couldn't learn it a bit at a time.

With the subject of Generosity, she noted this meant caring for others, sharing with others, the "give and take balance". She asked us to create blocks of time and opportunities for us to learn these concepts and teach them to our children. If you find yourself asking when does my child have opportunities to be generous to others, be proactive and create these situations for them. She gave examples which included raking leaves to help a neighbor, doing volunteer work, reaching out to make someone else smile, etc. In class, can your child help another with something?

Joanne recalled an instance in which her students had been watching when baby chicks were hatching from eggs in the classroom. One child was clumsy and had behavioral problems and she was very nervous as he reached in and picked up a newborn chick. To her relief, he was very gentle with it and whispered to it as he lifted it up and even carried it around the room taking care to show it to his classmates. I was very nervous and stayed nearby him, she said, but I decided not to hover over him or get in his way. She chose instead to complement him on how well he was handling the chick and she swears she watched him grow 10 inches taller that day! During recess later on, she even overheard him telling others how good he was with the baby chicks.

How can parents instill the teacher to become more proactive and involved? an audience member questioned. Joanne got us thinking as she answered this was not within our circle of influence. But, she said, it could certainly be brought up during a parent-teacher conference. Joanne wanted us to know that we should all be concerned about being "too pushy". Joanne suggested that prior to a conference, we sit down and prepare a list of our child's strengths so the teachers might learn of a good thing to use to build a closer relationship with the child. Use your experience to develop a list of "the most important things I want every teacher to know about my child". This was an excellent opportunity to concentrate on strengths. This led her into her next overhead almost as if it was on cue.

The list was titled "WISHLIST for (insert child's name) and it had spaces to note the school year and grade at the top. Then there were three columns with the first being IDEAL SITUATION (the ultimate), A NICE TO HAVE column (items willing to negotiate) and a MUST HAVE list (those items not up for negotiation). Joanne encouraged us approach this as gathering a collection of not only our child's strengths, but as a compilation of our expertise.

As we look forward to setting the stage for success in the next school year, Joanne asked us to consider getting to know the next year's school and staff, and then writing a letter describing what "worked" both at home and in prior school years. This letter should be written to the Principal and the idea is to give the school administration information to help them as they make teacher and class assignments for the next year. Joanne recognized that most schools do not allow parents to dictate or even actively participate in making teacher assignments, but suggested this letter could help with that process.

Rather than simply list items, she felt it was important to add comments regarding "why" you've made these notes. Written properly and constructively, this letter could be used to help the staff identify the "best teaching style" for your child - provided it is written with a positive spin. Many people don't write these letters, or make them too general. It is very important to be specific and completing this listing is an essential part of identifying specifics. It is also necessary to understand that although you may well have had lots of conferences with the current year's teacher, that those making such staffing assignments likely don't have the benefit of those parent-teacher conversations. A written document can capture those thoughts and be passed along unlike the verbal contents of those meetings. She suggested April would be a good time to write this letter.

Joanne had a handout which listed terms to help identify teaching styles. The list included: Hands on (arts and crafts, experiments) vs. Lecture (verbal) style, Encourages cooperative learning setting (students learning with peers in small groups with teacher as facilitator), Multi-sensory (understanding of different learning styles such as any child responds best to . . . music, visual aids, hearing material presented, hands-on approach), Sensitive to individual needs of the child, Teacher who sees individual strengths and weaknesses, Encourages peer relationships, Encourages independent work and thinking, Practical (relates information to everyday experiences), Discreet (respects the child's and family's privacy), Organized, Structured, Flexible, Parent-Friendly, High Energy, Low Energy, Low Key, Encouraging, Warm, Team approach to teaching vs. Individual teaching style, Amount of and type of homework (my child needs lots of repetition or is overwhelmed), Assists my child in making choices, Able to challenge in a positive manner, Has a calm, quiet environment in the classroom, and is Parent-Friendly (availability and approachability of teacher - needs to be comfortable with parent involvement).

Remember the idea is to pick and choose from this list, not simply include every term in your letter, Joanne chuckled.

Joanne then relayed the following story about a child who although bright, but was also very impulsive, had significant trouble staying on task and difficulty getting his schoolwork done in timely fashion. The teacher reacted to these problems by having the child stay in the classroom during recess in order to catch up. The mother tried to state how her son needed to be active but since the teacher felt comfortable with her "established routine", the policy went unchanged for a few more weeks (in order for the teacher to "win". That teacher just wasn't listening to the prior successful experience. When the teacher modified her approach to do, in fact, what the mother had suggested, it worked immediately! The mother turned out to be right as she knew her son would be more able to concentrate and get back on track after a period of physical activity. Joanne confessed to us that she was that teacher!?

Having the attitude, "I'm the ______ . . . so I'm in charge!" is not good for anyone, Joanne relayed. Parents and teachers must negotiated, talk, and learn from each other. We must all learn to be better listeners! Remember to present information so the teacher can learn what works . . what you've found out through your experience. In fact, Joanne pointed out the fact that teachers want and need this kind of information. They need to hear what works, not just what doesn't.

New teachers can read previously written letters and written records. They can't recall conversations you've had with previous teachers.

And for the end of this year? Joanne felt we could write a thank you letter as a way of recognizing the successes you've experienced this year as well. She asked us to consider whether these sorts of letters would get more attention than complaints!?

In closing, Judy spoke of the workshops Joanne had conducted and how it meant so much to learn of the teacher's perspective and what they had to deal with in their classrooms on a daily basis. BOCES and SETRC can run these workshops at your school. She suggested we be proactive in suggesting they get connected. After all, these workshops are free to the schools!

Please call 352-2443 regarding further information on the SETRC course, Parenting the Talented Child, and other workshops.