A Special Section on Friendship

NOTE: These notes were copied from the June, 2000 issue of The Bridge, the newsletter of the Advocacy Center in downtown Rochester.

The Importance of Friendships

Friendships are the among the most significant parts of children s lives. They are often the source of greatest pleasures and deepest frustrations. For many children, going to school each morning is not so much about learning as it is an opportunity to see friends. The difference between a child with even one close friend and a child who wants to make friends but has none can be the difference between a child who is happy and a child who is not. Friendships with peers are often the key to a child s sense of self-identity and emotional security.

• Friends provide companionship. A friend is someone who can share both the good times and the bad. A friend is someone you can trust.
• Friendships provide a context for social development. Social communication, group entry, cooperation, and impulse control are learned in interactions with peers.
• Friendships have an impact on emotional development. They give rise to self-acceptance, trust, and rapport, but also to insecurity, jealousy, and resentment. This range of emotions can affect children s later relationships.
• Friendships can affect reasoning ability. Levels of interaction and discussion are greater among children who are friends than those who are not friends. Friendships provide the opportunity to develop, practice and maintain a variety of communicative, cognitive, and social-emotional skills.

Circle of Friends

A Circle of Friends can mean different things to any given group of people. The term usually refers to a process utilized by Marsha Forest and others, where an individual's "circles" are examined. The most inner circles represent people who are very important, next are people who are in the individual's life but not as intimate, and the outer circles are filled with people who are not necessarily the individuals friends, but are paid to be-present in the individual4s life. Al too often an individual with a disability has empty inner circles and many people in the outer. Groups of people can come together to brainstorm ways to help the individual. Sometimes the term Circle of Friends refers to a group formed to provide support to the individual. For more information on Circle of Friends as an exercise, call Sue Mustard at (716) 546-1700, ext. 225.

Helping Children Develop Friendships: Ideas for Families from Families

(Peak Parent Center, Colorado)

Create an environment in your home that attracts children. Make it fun and inviting.

• Watch to see where other neighborhood children hang out, what they are doing, what they wear, and what they talk about
• Get your child involved in community activities
• Help your child reach out to other children by assisting with telephone calls, invitations to play, and choosing with whom to play
• Take a turn hosting a slumber party, having a pizza dinner, or volunteering to be a driver for the carpool
• Ask other children for ideas about how to get and keep your child involved
• Maintain ongoing contact with school staff about school day friendships, upcoming activities, extracurricular offerings, and other helpful information
• Find roles in which your child can succeed, using his or her interests and strengths in a variety of settings
• Consider inviting two or three friends to play at the same time
• Become involved and visible with your child in neighborhood and community activities

• Believe that friendships are possible and are critical for your child s future as well as for those of other children and believe that people do want to get to know and spend time with your child.
• Effort and intentionality are necessary in order to facilitate friendships. Planning is sometimes difficult as mistakes happen and there are ups and downs as in everything.
• For friendships to occur, opportunities for people to be together must be identified, such as in classes, at home, after school, or in the community. The more chances that a person has to be with other people, the greater the likelihood that relationships and friendships will form.
• Get adults out of the way and let children get to know one another.
• Utilize adults as facilitators or friendships only when needed and only for the amount of time required.
• Ask, ask, ask. Sometimes simply asking people to get to know another person is a real start.
• Understand the power of letting people solve problems and think about creative solutions. Let them come up with an idea; and intervene only when needed or to provide initial direction or focus.
• Help people understand their similarities. People need to have a common bond, whether it's irnasic, shopping for clothes, eating pizza, being in the mall, or riding horses. The issue is to find what people like to do and to use that to link them to one another. Friendships that are not based on free choice and personal preference are not likely to last outside the classroom setting.
• Do not place demands on people, especially young people, that they cannot live with. Take people as they are, and help them move forward.
• The ultimate spokesperson is the person him-or herself.
• Appreciate that creating friendships for the person has at least equal benefits for the other person.

Circle of Friends

By Cheryl Price

Nate and my son, John, have the same disability. Nate is nearly 4 years older so he usually reaches those educational and developmental milestones ahead of John. Because of this, Nate's mom, Pat,has become my mentor and friend. Her experiences with Nate have helped me through and around some interesting situations. (I hope that there are times when I help her, too.)

When Nate was in middle school, Pat often spoke about his Circle of Friends. The group was started by his one-to-one aide as a way to foster a friendship or two between Nate and his classmates. The aide began by getting a few of Nate s peers to join him for lunch, once a week, in a quiet place at school. She facilitated the group by encouraging conversation and modeling good social skills. Throughout the middle school years, Nate's group grew and changed: members came and went. They began to add meetings outside of the school arena, planning pizza parties, community service projects and even making their own Circle of Friends T-shirts. And even though the rigors of high school has not allowed much time for Circle of Friends, the bonds formed during middle school still hold.

Naturally, when John got to middle school, I wanted him to have Circle of Friends, too. I presented information to John s guidance counselor that first September, but sadly, after months of trying, the counselor was unable to get anyone in the school to commit to 40 minutes a week to facilitate a lunch group.

Things are much different this year! A conversation with another parent from my son s middle school led to the formation of two Circle of Friends groups. Quite simply, I run a group for her child, and she, for mine. Our children had similar needs, we had the time, all we needed was a quiet place and the names of students who had the same lunch period as our children.

We met with our kid s guidance counselors and the building principal to present our idea and they loved it. The guidance counselors gave us each a list of student s names and the principal found classrooms that were not being used doing our children s lunch period. We composed letters to the children explaining the Circle of Friends and asked them to contact the guidance counselors if they wanted to join. Our first Circle met within 6 weeks of our presentation to the administrators!

I am having a ball! I look forward to my 40 minutes with "the girls" every week. They are fun, chatty, and very supportive of their new friend. The boy s group tends to be a little quieter, but I heard if you ply them with French fries, they can be a lot of fun, too.

Hannah VanWely, a 7th grader in the girls group, has this to say about Circle of Friends, "I think that Circle of Friends has been no work at all and very fun to go ‘to. Everyone is friendly without any put-downs because everyone who is here wants to be."

I wish more adults would or could get involved in a Circle of Friends. You certainly don t need to have a child with a disability to appreciate the benefits to all of the children involved. There are some unexpected benefits to the adult as well...start a lunch group...it may be the best 40 minutes of your week.

Ask Roger

by Roger Nellist, Esq.

Is a school district obligated to help my son build relationships with peers?" My first response to this question is a very simple yes. However, Editor Jackie Yingling politely pointed out that a longer answer would be preferred. As most issues with special education, the answers are not that simple.

I have participated in Committee on Special Education (CSE) discussions where it was stated: "It is not our job to help your son make friends."

A Committee on Special Education is required to develop IEP goals and objectives consistent with a student's needs and abilities: "Such individual-need determinations shall provide the basis for written annual goals, direction for the provision of appropriate educational programs and services and development of an individualized education program for the student." 8 NYCRR 13 200.1(ww)(3)(i). The areas to be considered include academic, learning characteristics, social, physical, and management needs. Social development is defined as "... the degree and quality of the student's relationships with peers and adults, feelings about self, and social adjustment to school and community environments." 8 NYCRR B 200.1(ww)(3)(i)(b)

A school district has the obligation to consider a student's social needs in developing appropriate goals, objectives, and services. I believe this can include an annual goal such as: "John will establish friendships." CSE's are uncomfortable with goals worded like that. A typical response is that: "The IEP is for John, not the other students, and we do not control the other kids."

Educators do control the classroom and school environments. They do control the activities and groupings. They can promote a student's circle of social relationships and friends. A student's social needs can be as important as his or her academic needs and goals.

Other Tips for Parents

For parents, facilitating friendships might mean picking up and taking kids all over to meet friends, attend parties, go swimming, or go to the gym. It means sending your children out with their friends to concerts, parties, and malls. It means making sure that your child dresses in style, that he or she has the "right" possessions, that his or her room looks the way other children s rooms look. Ensure that your child is a part of the community, rather than just being in the community.

Parents can help by having their child join activities such as Scouts, swim lessons, neighborhood play groups, or church youth groups. Make your house the place to be, the place to "hang out" -enjoyable, safe, hospitable - during the after-school or weekend times.

Friendship, growth, and socialization are all goals of the Together Including Every Student (TIES) program. Participants with developmental disabilities join activities where they can develop recreational interests, learn about their community and have fun with peers. Volunteers (students in grades 8-12) are paired with participants based on mutual interests, personal attributes, and availability. Group leaders are able to create an experience where all talents and needs are included. TIES is now operating in six school districts in the Finger Lakes DDSO region. For more information about TIES, call Kathy Costello at (716) 671-8071 or Leslie Hulbert at (716) 461-498

IEP Accommodations

Peer support strategies such as friendship groups and peer planning sessions may be written into the accommodations section of an IEP. Related instruction in social skills development and communication skills may appear as objectives. Disability awareness programs at the grade or school level may be considered. Participation in extracurricular activities with necessary supports can also be included. Snell and Janney in Social Relationships and Peer Supports examine many types of individual, classrom, and school-wide strategies, goals and objectives.

RESOURCES

Articles

"Beyond Benevolence - Friendship and the Politics of Help" by Emma Van Der Klift and Norman Kunc

"Friends Circle to Save a Life" by Bob Perske, printed in the TASH newsletter, March 1997

"Table 1. Characteristics of Classrooms that Nurture Children's Friendships", from Delicate Threads: Friendships between children with and without special needs, 1998

Building Friendships - An Important Part of Schooling by Barbara Buswell and Beth Schaffner, The Peak Integration Project.

Facilitating Friendships by Kathryn D. Bishop, 8imberlee A. Jubala, William Stainback and Susan Stainback, In Inclusion: A Guide for Educators, Brookes Publishing Co.

The Struggle Toward Inclusion and the Fulfillment of Friendship by Jeff Strully and Cynthia Strully

Books

Connecting Students: A Guide to Thoughtful Friendship Facilitation for Educators and Families by Beth Schaffner and Barbara Buswell, Peak Parent Center, 1992

Delicate Threads by Debbie Staub Friendships between Children with and without Special Needs in Inclusive Settings, Woodbine House Publishing, 1998

Friendships and Community Connections Between People With and Without Developmental Disabilities by A.N. Amade, Paul H. Brookes Publishing, 1993

Making Friends: Using Recreation Acdtivities to Promote Friendship Between Children With and Without Disabilities by L.A. Heyne, S.J. Schleien, & L.H. McAvoy, Univ. of Minneapolis, Institute on Community Integration, 1993

Social Relationships and Peer Support by Martha E. Snell and Rachel Janney, Brookes Publishing, 2000.