Healing wounds, Opening doors

For years, as we all know, ADD was considered a male disorder. In fact, even today, many child researchers continue to claim that there are three to four times as many boys as girls with ADD. ADD diagnostic criteria were developed by studying boys. What is more, treatment programs for ADD have been developed with a focus on the needs and struggles of boys who may be aggressive, defiant or socially inappropriate, boys whose hyperactivity makes them difficult to manage both at home and in the classroom. Treatment for boys quite naturally focused on how to make them more manageable for parents and teachers. Treatment programs for these boys had the aim of getting them to sit down and be quiet!

Women with ADD, more than men with ADD, report that they struggle with needless worry, a sense of insecurity, and low self-esteem.But what about girls and women? Girls are much less likely to be hyperactive and aggressive and tend to be very hesitant to ask for the assistance that they need. Rather than sit down and be quiet, girls need help to stand up and be heard! Girls generally try much harder to be parent pleasers and teacher pleasers, anxiously trying to hide the difficulties they experience in the classroom. Girls are more likely to blame themselves for their troubles, unlike hyperactive boys, whose parents often report that they blame everyone else. Girls tend to internalize the blame, whether or not it is warranted. It s all my fault. I m just dumb. I m just no good!

In addition, girls with ADD are more likely than boys to report that they feel different and that they are unhappy about their lack of friends and lack of fitting in. Girls and women have different social needs than most boys and men. Classic studies of the socializing patterns of boys and girls report that girls tend to relate through verbal communication and cooperation, tending to seek validation from one another. Thus, a girl with ADD who has difficulty with the subtleties of social interaction will find herself frequently on the outside of the social group, feeling rejected and unlikable. Boys, on the other hand, interact more through shared activities, acts of physical prowess, and the establishment of a pecking order. ADD traits aggression, high energy level and risk-taking behavior may even hold appeal for their male peers.

To make matters worse in the self-esteem arena, studies show that girls with ADD are more likely to be criticized by their mothers--perhaps a reflection that in our society, ADD behaviors are less acceptable in girls. Feeling different, having difficulty making friends, and feeling criticized by their mothers...girls, very naturally, develop bad feelings about themselves. And these girls grow up to be women who continue to feel different, to feel unacceptable, to self-blame, and even to feel shame over some of their ADD struggles.

These patterns have been eloquently described by Sari Solden in her book, Women with Attention Deficit Disorder But now, with the research on gender issues that have been done to date, we re beginning to confirm what we ve known all along. Women with ADD, more than men with ADD, report that they struggle with needless worry, a sense of insecurity, and low self-esteem.

Out of our different social and emotional needs, an interesting phenomenon has developed. Women with ADD are reaching out to one another to form support groups.. .often the first group in which those women have felt accepted and understood. One women s ADD support group, formed as a subgroup of the local CHADD group in the Virginia suburbs near Washington, DC, grew so large after only three meetings that they had a crisis on their hands. They were forced to take a vote to make a difficult decision: whether or not to split the group into two smaller groups. The women, who had bonded very quickly to one another, were very reluctant to split apart. However, they finally concluded that no one would have time to talk and listen if the group remained so large! Women s ADD support groups are springing up around the country, supported, in part, through the efforts of ADDvance Magazine. For Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, which has gathered and posted the names and locations of women who are seeking or forming groups on their web site, www.addvance.com.

By truly experiencing that we are not alone, that we are understood and accepted by others, and that we have unrecognized and untapped abilities we can begin to develop our true potential.Why the sudden growth of women s support groups? It only makes sense! Girls and women with ADD have suffered from the feeling of not fitting in. One of the most powerful healing experiences these girls and women can have is to find or form a group in which their feelings are validated, in which their ADD tendencies are understood, and where they can talk about their feelings and struggles without fear of being judged. Such acceptance is the beginning of a healing process--a process that can t take place in a vacuum. Sometimes the therapist s office is the first beginning - if we are lucky enough to find a therapist who understands ADD and how it affects women. But the support and understanding of a therapist should only be the beginning of finding self-acceptance. We need to learn from experience that we are not alone, that we are understood, and that we have potential to tap only after we understand the forces that have gotten in our way.

Therapists need to become aware of the special need of females, both girls and woman, to work together in therapy groups. For girls the need is acute, because they don t have the power to form their own support groups. They must rely on parents, schools or therapists to take the initiative. Even for women, a group led by a therapist can be beneficial in ways that may differ from support groups. The most important therapeutic issue for many females is to understand and to accept themselves, and to experience acceptance from other females who know just what they mean. Learning strategies to counteract ADD tendencies toward disorganization or poor time management only scratches the surface. No matter how many coping tools we try to learn, if we continue to feel worried, inadequate, and ashamed of not living up to the feminine ideal, we feel we are an impostor, always on the verge of being outed. In a therapy group or support group we can begin the journey toward healing that will allow us to become our best selves. By truly experiencing that we are not alone, that we are understood and accepted by others, and that we have unrecognized and untapped abilities we can begin to develop our true potential. For girls and women with ADD, the best therapy may be to stand up, speak out and join hands--it is a journey best taken together.

Editor ‘s Note: Kathleen Nadeau Ph.D. and Patricia Quinn MD., of ADDvance Magazine, will provide all-day workshop, entitled "A Woman's Time and Space: Support Celebration and Solutions for Women with ADD "at ADDA 2000-National Conference, May 5-7, Atlanta, Georgia. For more information, go to add org or call (847) 432-ADDA (2332)